Photo by angegreene,
Though I have two sons who are 22 and 23, Mother’s Day always brings memories of the children that are not mine. Last year, I got a huge singing card signed by 6 young people. Yes, my two were on there, a girlfriend of my oldest son, and three other young men. The other three have all been part of the family for so many years that they feel like my children. But there are even more children of other mothers that have honored me with calls, cards, gifts, and flowers over the years and most of all conversation and hugs.
What are my favorite times? I have several of the young men who love to cook and will either take over my kitchen or cook with me. Both my sons will cook, my youngest loves to cook and has a number of signature recipes that usually involve spices… like scrambled eggs with onions and super chilis, or an extension of that where it becomes a total skillet breakfast (though he makes the components separately). Dan browns grated potatoes, onions, and bacon, and mixes them with his eggs, more onions, and super chilis. The concoction is quite tasty as he would say. Last week, Lee (not my child) took over the kitchen and made tenderloin steak sandwiches, complete with sauted vegetables and Habenero cheese.
Other favorite times is when they all pitch in and tackle one of the ever-looming construction projects on our house that was bought 17 years ago as a remodel and move on project. Last night, one of the young men (also named Dan) remarked that we need to finish the deck project. The over the roof deck above the garage and next to my office was started by my oldest son to stop the leaks in the garage that was ruining the insulation job he and a friend did last fall. So far, my two sons and at least one friend have tackled the project. I look forward to a finished project and deck.
And of course, there is the favorite time when the children that are not mine come into my office, sit down, and just want to talk. The latest is Tyrus, who has been a friend of my oldest for about 5 years but left for Colorado in 2007 to go back to school with my encouragement. He came back to Wausau at a horrible time in the economy but worked hard to find a new job. He’s working as a cook in a new restaurant at lower wages than the manufacturing job he had before he left for Colorado but he is grateful to have a job. He stops in most days after work just to touch base and I quiz him on his goals to help him focus on what he needs to do next to reach them. No, he’s not my child either. He’s a grown young man of 25.
For about four years, there was always at least one extra plate set at the table and it still happens but not as frequently as the young people have grown up, moved away, or just been busy with jobs and college. It hasn’t been an easy time because the path that my own two and the others have taken is not the one I would choose for them. Too frequently, parties, alcohol, and other things have dominated their choices. It is hard to not continually be in a mode of trying to change them but I have learned that they have to do that themselves. Though the years, I have tried to be the listening ear when any of them — mine or others want to talk about direction.
Maybe that’s what all children need. Not just good parenting, which is critical but not infallible, but other adults who welcome them into their lives, accept them for where they are and try to listen and respond when they are open. Transitioning to adulthood is not easy and we all can use someone to listen.
The children who are not mine will always be welcome in my home and heart.
